Releasing expectations and loving people where they’re at
Photography by Danielle Ann Rose @bydanielleannrose
Friendships and relationships are one of life’s greatest gifts, forming a beautiful connection with someone and wanting to share your time with them is truly special and something I am so incredibly grateful to have experienced. These relationships can also be one of life’s greatest teachers, allowing us to learn more about ourselves and others. Like a mirror reflecting back to us which areas of our lives we get to look at and improve upon. We may view these as triggers and initially respond to them as though it is theirs to look at, but with time and intention we can begin to realise that these lessons are our own and they are placed in front of us for a reason
For example, one of the biggest lessons I’ve had to learn and re-learn is that not everyone has the same heart as me. Everyone has different values and priorities in life, which I actually view as a really beautiful thing. The difficult aspect of this lesson was that I subconsciously held expectations for others to show up the same way I do, which would leave me feeling disheartened because I couldn’t understand why they weren’t doing for me what I was doing for them. I would end up feeling disappointed and upset because I thought they didn’t appreciate me or weren’t willing to put the same amount of energy and effort into the friendship that I was and in some cases that may have been true, but what I’m learning is that it’s important to allow people to show us who they are and to witness that, without taking it too personally
It’s a truly wonderful thing that each individual person is special in their own unique ways, that there’s something different for each of us that brings joy and passion, what lights a fire in my soul may not light a spark in yours and that’s okay. Our differences are something to be celebrated and appreciated, this is why I am so thankful to have had the awareness of these subconscious expectations because now I get to practise loving people where they are at without making it mean something about me or our connection. For the most part, I would much rather have someone in my life and love them for who they truly are, than miss them because I had expectations of who they should be
I’m sharing this with you because I speak a lot about putting yourself first, ending one-sided friendships and implementing boundaries but I also believe that it’s incredibly important for us to take accountability for ourselves as well, sometimes we are the friend who gets to do better
When we have such strong expectations of people, it tells them we aren’t open to receiving who they really are making it difficult to ever truly connect to them because we are putting limitations on what may be acceptable. Releasing expectations opens up the possibility for others to surprise us, for them to feel safe enough to be their true selves around us and to form a deeper connection than we could have ever imagined. It also creates space for them to not be the right person for us, without it causing us too much disappointment, frustration or even heartbreak
From experience, I can tell you it hurts a lot less when a friendship or relationship doesn’t work out when you aren’t deeply attached to expectations or potential outcomes. When we stay open and curious it keeps the energy flowing and allows what’s not meant for us to continue moving past us, but when we hold on too tight to how we think things should be, we end up more disappointed than if we just allowed what’s meant to be, to be
When people tell you who they are, listen. Having expectations of who you believe someone should be and how they should show up leaves you feeling disappointed when they don’t live up to them and leaves them feeling like who they are isn’t good enough for you. Decide from the start how you feel about their personality, traits and hobbies. Be honest with yourself about whether that’s something you can embrace or not and choose to either move on or accept them for who they are and love them wholeheartedly for it. It’s healthy to have standards and boundaries set within all types of relationships, but it’s also important to be mindful that we’re not expecting people to fit into a box or a mould of a person we’ve created in our minds. You cannot change someone, especially if they’re not looking to be changed
If someone isn’t right for you, it’s unfair to expect them to be somebody they aren’t or to give you something they can’t. Instead of asking them to be someone they’re not, it’s better to just go find someone who is
The same can be said about being your own authentic self. When you meet someone new it’s important to be yourself, it may feel scary and vulnerable but you’re better off being honest and finding out if there is a genuine connection between you, rather than pretending to be someone you think they’ll like. Entering a new friendship under false pretences is unfair and would be incredibly difficult to maintain over time. Eventually, they’ll realise you are not the person they thought you were, potentially leaving them feeling lied to and manipulated even if that was never your intention. Start by being your true self and giving them the opportunity to love you for who you are, you may surprise yourself to see how easy it gets to be and if it doesn’t work out at least you know right away that they weren’t meant for you, making it easier to move forward than if you spent all this time and energy trying to make it something it wasn’t
As I mentioned earlier, everyone is different. We all have different values, personalities and motivations in life. We have all been raised differently and experienced different conditioning, meaning that not everyone will view the world through your eyes and not everyone will want to give and receive love in the same way that you do. When we learn to recognise love languages it makes it so much easier to make sure that our needs and the needs of those we love are being met
The five love languages are acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation and physical touch. We will want to receive them all at some point, but typically there’s one that stands out more than the others. The way we want to receive love may be different from the way we like to show love and that might not actually be the way the other person receives it. That’s why it’s so important to communicate and listen to understand because you may feel as though you’re showing your friends, family or partner that you love and appreciate them because you tell them all the time or buy them gifts for their birthdays but if their love language is physical touch or acts of service what they may need from you is a meaningful hug or for the house to be cleaned without having to ask. Taking the time to identify how the people in your life give and receive love can strengthen your relationships in so many ways, such as helping you to form a deeper understanding of your loved ones, creating a more meaningful connection
When you meet someone new instead of judging them or making assumptions about who they are, get curious and ask questions. Find out what they like and why. I find that people can be so effortlessly magnetic when they speak about the things they’re passionate about, the way their eyes light up and they begin to speak faster as they get more and more excited, it truly is a beautiful thing to witness. Even if you don’t love the exact same things, that doesn’t mean you don’t have commonalities, it’s about finding and building that connection
Through all of this, one thing of all is most important; to always remember yourself. Continue to check in with yourself and make sure you feel safe, seen, understood and appreciated in all areas of your life. It’s one thing to release expectations and stay open to others than to allow people to mistreat you or take you for granted. Self-awareness and boundaries are always essential
