Grief’s weird
Photography by Danielle Ann Rose @bydanielleannrose
Whenever I’m speaking to someone about grieving or loss, I notice one of us always ends up saying “grief’s weird” and I think the reason for that, is because there’s such a wide spectrum of ways we can feel, experience and process grief. Although we all grieve, every individual experience is going to be completely different, there are so many different kinds of loss, and everyone deals with grief in their own unique way. Each person will have their own way of coping, healing and moving forward, everyone’s timeline is going to look different, and the way I describe the feeling of loss in my life might be completely different to yours
For me, grief feels like a constant ache, a deep feeling of emptiness, like there’s a hole in my heart/chest. I feel their absence and their presence always around me, which hurts deeply while simultaneously filling me with immense love
What works best for me, is to let it consume me for a while. I know that probably doesn’t sound healthy, but it’s about actually processing the loss, and I find that I really just need to be still and let it all fully sink in before I’m able to find any energy to put towards other aspects of my life. If I don’t acknowledge the enormity of it, straight away, I know it’ll linger and come back sharper and more painful in the future
The thing with grief is, it doesn’t happen by itself. It happens mixed in with all of our other emotions, intertwined through every part of life, through memories, special occasions, or even in some cases like mine, through every single room of our house. Life keeps moving forward, while we can feel like we’re stuck in time, hurting, feeling like nothing else could possibly matter, and nothing else could possibly hurt as much as this
What I have found to be helpful is having something that connects me to them, for one family member I got her birth date tattooed on my arm, for my beautiful kitty I have a necklace with her initial on it, that I wear constantly. Other family members, I have some of their belongings, such as books, jewellery, tea sets, photo frames etc, keeping these close to me, helps me to feel connected to them, like they are with me always, guiding me along. I know this is true, regardless of having their belongings, but having something tangible to hold feels more connected and comforting
As difficult as it can be to navigate, grief is a part of life and from my experience, it’s important to take time to process how you’re feeling when it’s happening because I believe if you ignore it or suppress it, it will find a way to come back stronger. Be kind to yourself, and give yourself the gift of time, time to grieve, time to feel, time to be with what is
In some cases, I have struggled with not being able to tell where their spirit has gone, because I cannot feel their energy where they have been laid to rest, which can hurt even more because I don’t know how to navigate that. I want to believe they have gone off to do whatever their soul has chosen next, but that can be difficult when others I have always felt around me and still do. For this, all I can do is trust. Trust in the universe, trust in my love and connection with them and trust in my own knowing, that they are still with me
The death of a loved one isn’t the only time we grieve, the loss of a job, relationship or even a vision can feel like mourning, and that’s completely warranted. Any time we let go of something we love, we get to take as much time and space as we need to process it and grieve. When something changes and doesn’t go the way you envisioned it, it can cause grief. Any time something was lost and left pain in its absence, that’s grief. A relationship breakup, a friendship breakdown, a change of career, anything that didn’t work out the way you had hoped, you are allowed to grieve it. Please never let anyone talk you out of your emotions, nobody else knows how you’re feeling, so they don’t get to tell you how to be
Allow yourself to feel your emotions and release them from your body. Grief is one of those things that we don’t really know what it’s going to feel like, or how we are going to get through it until it’s happening to us. So, if you want to cry, cry! If you want to yell, yell! If you want to sit in silence and process what’s happening on your own, then do that! If going to a psychic helps you gain some kind of clarity, then please go and experience that. Just because someone else grieves differently than you, doesn’t make you wrong, and just because you grieved in a different way last time, doesn’t mean you’re not sad this time. It’s just one of those things that we get to be extremely gentle and understanding with ourselves through
For anyone who is supporting someone else through grief, I want to give you this reminder:
Avoid saying things like, “stay strong” or “focus on the positives” because hearing things like that can make people feel like they aren’t allowed to be sad or express their emotions the way they want to, it can feel like they have to hold it together and not let others see their vulnerability when in reality, being vulnerable and letting yourself truly be with what is, is a natural part of grief and loss
Make sure they know that they are loved and supported through their grief, no matter what that looks like and that they will survive this loss, even though sometimes it might not feel like it
There are many stages to grief, there’s no easy way through them, you may sit with some longer than others and you might come across new ones each time, but I feel that it’s important to have your own understanding of what they could be like so that you can allow yourself to flow through them, without making yourself wrong for how you feel when you grieve
The hardest feeling for me to process and let go of has been guilt, even to this day after so much time has passed, I still can’t shake the feeling of not physically being there, the feeling of knowing that I was so far away and would never make it home in time, the helplessness of knowing that someone I hold so close to my heart was about to take their last breath and there was nothing I could do. The feeling of not knowing how unwell they were and feeling emotionally unprepared for such a loss, the never getting to say a proper goodbye and the wishing I spent more time with them when I had the chance. I hear myself constantly saying “I’m sorry, I am so, so sorry” when I visit where they’re laid to rest, not because I caused it, but because I didn’t know they were leaving so soon and because there was nothing I could do when I did... It’s an “I’m sorry you’re gone,” “I’m sorry I didn’t know,” “I’m sorry I wasn’t home,” “I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to support you in your final moments,” and most of all it’s an “I’m sorry I’ll never be able to repay the immeasurable amounts of love you always gave to me.”
Even though I’ve accepted the loss, and made peace with the beautiful life they had lived, my heart still aches and I still feel that loss deep within my being, like it’s a part of me now and it’s never going away. Although it can be painful, I choose to embrace that feeling instead of wishing it away, because I know that the heaviness of that hurt is the gravity of my love and to have experienced a love that strong, is the greatest gift of my life and I would never wish that away
Nothing really prepares you for the first special occasion without them, their birthday, your birthday, or even christmas, be extra gentle with yourself on those days, be with what’s present and take it slow. You might think of all the experiences you missed out on doing together, reminisce old memories and wonder what they’d say if they were there with you right now. Take those moments to share stories and celebrate their memory, remember to keep them part of your joyful moments too
It is to be expected that you are going to have good days and bad days while grieving, do not make yourself wrong for either. You might be having a good few weeks even, and then you find something that belonged to the loved one you miss and you fall to the ground crying. I want you to know that’s a normal part of mourning and you’re allowed to express your emotions in whatever way you feel is necessary, this is no setback or undoing. I have found myself feeling guilty for having good days, thinking I shouldn’t be expressing joy when I’m grieving such a loss, but then I remind myself that my loved ones would want me to keep moving forward and have new experiences, even if it is without them
As hard as it can be, life does keep moving and the kindest thing we can do for ourselves is to allow ourselves to move with it. There is a beautiful Ted talk by Nora McInerny, called: We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it and it’s such a good reminder that the ones we lose are never truly lost, I highly recommend watching it. The biggest thing that resonates with me in her message is that even when time keeps going and you feel happy again, it doesn’t mean that you’ve “moved on” from your loved one as if their life, death and love are just moments in the past, that you can leave behind. They will always be with you, not in the same way they used to be, but in an undeniable, ever-present, connected way. You’ve moved forward, with them still being a part of who you are, a part of your everyday life and in all your future plans
Experiencing, coming to terms with, and accepting loss is the weirdest thing I have ever been through. I remember the confusion and disbelief I felt while being told that someone I love had passed away, as clearly as I know my own name and yet, right now I feel at peace with it. I remember feeling like nothing had ever felt so painful and wondering how anything else could ever really matter to me anymore after such loss. I remember how it felt waking up the next morning wondering how I felt so okay, only to stand up and have the deepest sense of pain rush through me, crippling me to the ground, the same way a wave smashes into a person, swallowing them into the ocean and throwing them around until they hopefully find their footing and make it up to breathe…
How can we know deep loss and great love, simultaneously? Unfortunately, I’ve come to learn that they go hand in hand, almost like a package deal. The depth in which we grieve is a signal of the magnitude in which we’ve loved, and what a beautiful reminder of the strength in our hearts
We experience so much during our lives, but when we look back at the end of it all, it’s the connections we’ve made and the memories we’ve shared that we’ll remember and be so thankful for. We’ll reminisce with love in our hearts and already be looking forward to what’s next
So, in saying all of this I want to encourage you to keep your heart open. Please never let the fear of loss, keep you from experiencing love the way you deserve to. No matter how deep or long I need to feel this grief, I would still never trade it, because the love I have shared in my life, even just a second of it is worth all the pain I’ve felt and then some
Hopefully, eventually, you will grieve with love instead of pain, and you’ll know peace once again
If you feel that you could benefit from some support, I have linked some options below
Grief support
Call 13 11 14 for 24/7 crisis support
Texting option available on 0477 13 11 14 between 12pm - 2am
Live chat option available online between 7pm - 2am
Grief counselling and support
Understanding grief and loss information
Headspace have centre’s all over Australia, if you need information or someone to talk to, they’ll set you up with expert support
