Letters to my past and future self
Photography by Danielle Ann Rose @bydanielleannrose
Letters to my past and future self, on my 27th birthday
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To my past self,
When I think about the sweet, kind-hearted child you were I feel proud to know I came into this world to spread joy and be love. I’m sorry I let life get too heavy for us to carry and I’m sorry that I lost you for a while, but please know that I fought so incredibly hard to find you again. I feel stronger and more at peace when I know that at my core, I am still you
There were so many times when I would see a photo of you and be unable to connect to you as if I was looking at someone who was gone or no longer alive and I would feel guilt and grief
Guilt that somewhere along the way I allowed myself to get trapped in an endless cycle of deep emotions that made me believe I was something broken, something other than who you came into this world to be, something that could not be put back together and didn’t deserve to stay in the place you made your home
Grief because I felt as though your light had been put out without any warning like I had told you we were going somewhere safe and wonderful but then let you be swallowed by depression and darkness and left there all alone. It’s a weird experience to grieve yourself
It took me a long time to remember who I was, who I am, that I am still you and that I always was. I felt as though I had let you down and taken your life on a path you would never have chosen for yourself, but to know that you are still a part of me, gives me strength and builds me up to know that I still have time, I can still do, be and create everything you ever dreamed you could and more
It is with the lessons I learned during those dark times, that I gained the confidence and resilience to stare directly at what scares me and invite it forward. It is with those lessons that I grew to become more aware and less naive of this world so that together you and I could grow to become the person we were meant to be
We are meant to evolve, you and I are like stepping stones for our soul to move through this life, forever flowing through the ups and downs, evergrowing and changing with the times and experiences, learning how to navigate this world, only to become the next version of us, that next version, is who we are here to be, the person who will finally create what we’ve fought so hard for
That version of us, will look back and think fondly of their past, feel deeply for us and be honoured to have lived through what we are experiencing in our current reality and you and I, we will be there, a part of her and she will love us, the way I love you and she will be beyond proud of us, the way I am beyond proud of you
I know I haven’t always done the best job at keeping you safe within this heart of ours, but I promise you I am doing everything within my power to continue growing and learning so that I can allow us the life and experiences you always hoped for
I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you
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To my future self,
Change has always scared me and made me feel unsafe in some way like I would lose my footing, lose what’s familiar, lose myself but the thought that letting go of who I am will allow you to live and thrive gives me a great sense of confidence and faith
I feel confident that you are ready to step into your full potential and be the person I always hoped to be. I feel your strength and ability energetically around me, it feels familiar, almost like it was always there and although I may have ignored it out of fear of the unknown, I believe in you and have so much trust that you can achieve everything we’ve ever hoped for
Faith because how could everything I’ve experienced up until now have been for any other reason but to build, to you. Having such a strong sense of knowing all my life has been overwhelming at times, but in this moment, I know you’re close by and that brings me complete and utter peace and contentment. I feel safe to step forward into the unknown because I know you’ve got this, I know you can handle whatever it is that I am walking towards
It is with the kind, gentle and optimistic heart of my past self and the powerful readiness I feel within you that empowers me to keep my head up and continue on this path towards the future
Which is a deeply beautiful feeling for me to experience in this moment, considering twelve years ago I didn’t believe I would even have a future, I didn’t energetically feel anything past that ever-present darkness looming within me. It’s a weird and unique feeling to be the adult version of an emotionally overwhelmed, depressed, self-harming teenager because I experience day-to-day life with this feeling like I shouldn’t be here, that I shouldn’t have made it this far like I somehow escaped something I shouldn't have
But the thought of your future and this incredible trust I have in you surpasses those feelings and fills me with pride, to know that everything I have been through and continue to go through brings me closer and closer to you and the wonderful things you are going to do, be and create, it’s unlike anything I’ve felt before
As difficult as it’s been, it’s an absolute honour to have paved this path for you. I wish I’d known sooner how it feels to have such blind faith in you, it would have given me so much strength to push through all that I have lived through, but I guess surviving that is what’s giving me the ability to become you. To grow through those experiences and persevere without understanding why it was all happening is what's given me the resilience required to get here and to get to you
Sometimes it feels like I’m in a waiting room, waiting for you to arrive, but I know this is a necessary phase of my life that is essential for your growth. So, I will continue to patiently wait for the day to come, the day I finally get to meet you
I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you
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With infinite love, Skye
Skye Fellows | Three years of age | 17/02/1999
