Guilt, shame, and regret

Photography by Danielle Ann Rose @bydanielleannrose

Guilt, shame, and regret can sound like scary topics to talk about, but the beautiful thing about them is that they can be felt, expressed, and released just like all other emotions

I want to empower you to check in with yourself and see if there are any heavy emotions like these in your body and if there are, I want you to be kind to yourself and understand that you are human and these are human emotions

Most people avoid heavy emotions and do their best to suppress them, but the interesting thing about that is, the more you ignore them, the stronger and louder they become. When you allow what is present to be acknowledged and expressed, you take back your power and these once-scary emotions will lose their control over you

I highly, highly, highly recommend working with a trauma-informed therapist, psychologist, educated coach, or practitioner to help you work through and release these heavy emotions from your body and mind so that you can be free of them and move forward with your life

Emotions like these can have such a deep impact on our lives without us being fully aware of it and it’s not until we’ve released them that we realize just how much they were holding us back. I have found that the better I get at expressing my emotions and getting clear on how I am truly feeling deep down, the easier it becomes to not let them keep me stuck, holding onto them longer than necessary

Even though right now, it may seem unimaginable to allow yourself to fully feel such deep emotions, the freedom you’ll experience on the other side will be so worth it. The clarity of mind that comes through after deep expression and healing is so incredibly powerful, I cannot wait for you to experience it

It’s not until after we’ve processed something and moved on from it that we can see and appreciate the lessons we learned and the role it played in us becoming who we are now and who we are meant to become in the future. That doesn’t make it easier and it certainly doesn’t make how difficult or traumatic it was invalid, I guess it just gives us motivation so that we can move on from it with the understanding that sometimes things don’t happen to us, they happen for us

Looking back there are a lot of things I wish could have played out differently, but if they had, I wouldn’t have become the person I am today and that brings me so much peace because, to be honest, I used to be a people pleaser who always put others first at the detriment of my own happiness, I didn’t see my own worth and had deep self-doubt, but now, I’m so proud of the person I am and for all the self-development I’ve done, to become someone I genuinely enjoy being, who values themself and can see how unbounded my potential actually is. I don’t believe I would’ve changed anything had I not been pushed by my circumstances. When I think back to those defining moments, I understand why they had to happen, in order to get me here, to allow me to grow into this version of myself

Comfort would have kept me there, discomfort made me jump and although those situations honestly sucked, I’m glad it all happened and I’m proud of myself for actually jumping. The strength it took in that moment, to say, “no more” and actually make a change, is so much more powerful than guilt, shame or regret could ever be. I am the one in control, not my emotions and definitely not my past

Even if you don’t feel as though specific things happened to you for a reason, you can still release the emotions, memories, and people attached. Holding onto pain can eat you alive, no matter how well you think you’ve handled something, your body is still holding on to it. Our bodies remember what our minds forget, and if you suppress painful memories or emotions, your body will find another way to express and release them. That can look like anything, such as sore muscles, injuries, sickness, disease, or even something more common, like anxiety, depression, and addiction. These things don’t just start randomly overnight, they come from underneath the surface, where we’ve been holding on and hiding things away, things that are desperate to find their way out

Next time you’re feeling an uncomfortable emotion, just notice what your automatic reaction is. Do you want to go out drinking? Go shopping? Binge watch netflix? Obsessively clean the whole house? Distract yourself with something, anything, anyone? It’s okay, whatever it is, don’t make yourself wrong for it, just get curious about why that is and look a little deeper

What is it that makes you want to do anything but be with your emotions?

Why is it so uncomfortable to feel what you’re feeling?

What would it be like on the other side of those emotions?

Do you know why you avoid it?

Or is it just second nature now?

Are you surprised by what you’re learning about yourself and how you’re feeling?

Or have you been aware of these thought patterns and habits for a while now?

The vice or coping mechanism is never the issue… It’s what’s underneath that, it’s what we’re trying to run and hide from that gets to be looked at, felt, expressed, and processed. Once we’re done that, the vice will go away by itself, because we won’t need it anymore, we won’t need to keep finding a distraction, or numbing agent for our internal wounds any longer

The more you look inward and become self-aware, the clearer your path through these moments becomes. It’s going to be uncomfortable, it may take some time and it could get ugly but the only way out is through so take a deep breath, listen to your body, and trust that you are strong enough to feel it all, shift it all, release it all, and heal it all

Shame and guilt are the lowest vibrational emotions on David Hawkins's “Map of consciousness” and you can imagine regret feels pretty similar. When we get stuck in these low vibrational emotions we get stuck living in a low vibrational frequency, which means we’re likely going to attract more of it, making it difficult to manifest and create something better for ourselves. That’s not to say we can’t change that though, it just takes acknowledgment, intention, and dedication. I’ve previously written a blog post called you are energy, where I give 5 examples of ways to raise your vibration if you’d like some inspiration and information on getting started

When we name these heavy emotions and find their root cause we begin the process of healing, releasing any kind of grip they once had on us, and taking back the position of power in our own bodies

Something I want to remind you of is that forgiveness isn’t for the other person, it’s for ourselves. Giving yourself permission to forgive, let go and move on from past hurt, people or experiences is the greatest gift you could ever give yourself

Everyone who comes into your life is going to teach you something, sometimes it’s a tough lesson, to prove to you how resilient and strong you are. Look for the teachings in every situation and allow yourself to learn and grow with each new moment, rather than letting other people’s hurtful actions and decisions keep you stuck stagnant, never moving, never changing

I empower you to keep going, no matter how difficult that might seem, the only way to unburden yourself from the experience of feeling guilt, shame, or regret is to let yourself fully acknowledge its presence, look directly at it, and do whatever it is you need to do to move it up and out of your body

Here are a few ways I have found effective:

Crying. Simple yet beautifully effective, even though society is slowly breaking the stigma that crying is weak, I notice so many people stop themselves from crying or are proud to say they never do it. This makes no sense to me, it’s a natural, human bodily function and it feels so cleansing. Crying actually reduces stress, regulates our emotions, and releases endorphins and oxytocin, which relieve pain. With so many calming benefits, why not give yourself full permission to cry?

Primal screaming. Sounds intense, but feels so relieving. When we express our deep emotions through yelling, either into a pillow or in an open space, we are releasing the tension that’s being stored in our muscles, which could be painful memories our body has been holding onto for a very long time or new ones that are ready to be released and let go. Like crying, this also produces endorphins that help lift your mood and reduce stress, an incredibly cathartic practice that has helped me through a lot of grief

Havening. A very gentle, calming, and fast-acting therapy technique, that’s deceptively simple but entirely backed by neuroscience. Sometimes the emotions and memories we are trying to process are too intense for us to sit with, talk about or work through methodically, and we just want to be distracted and made to think of something else. With the incorporation of comforting touch, distraction, and eye movement Havening can help to permanently change your state by releasing delta brain waves and feel-good chemicals, reducing the distress attached to memories or emotions. If this is something that speaks to you then I highly recommend you follow @ellelouisemcbride on Instagram, she is so wonderful, nurturing, and incredibly good at what she does

If I’ve learnt anything over the past few years it’s that shitty things are going to happen and not everything is going to work out the way I hope it will, and that’s okay. It’s what I choose to make each situation mean and how long it takes me to be ready to let go of it, that matters. Each situation, feeling or trauma that I’ve processed and healed has been different. Some take longer than others to move through and some are a bit trickier to let go of, what I’ve found the difference to be is how deep the roots have grown under the surface and how intertwined they’ve become with other pieces that need healing. It’s always so interesting to uncover how one thing is linked to another and what the subconscious mind has made it all mean. It’s actually a really beautiful experience once you stop judging what is, and just allow it all to flow

You cannot ignore your pain in hopes that it will go away by itself, the longer you avoid it, the more pain you are going to experience, so you may as well learn how to face off with what’s uncomfortable, and heal it properly before it finds its own way out. It might seem easier to continue to suppress it, but it’s not, please choose yourself and do something about what you’ve been holding inside. Let it all return back to universal energy where it belongs and give yourself the gift of peace