Goodbyes

Photography by Danielle Ann Rose @bydanielleannrose

I’m honestly so over having to say goodbye to people I care about, and yet here I am trying to get better at it

I recently realised I have been living with a subconscious belief that no matter what I do, or how much love I give, ultimately everyone will leave and there’s nothing I can do to control it

When I came to this awareness it was brand new information to me and I was genuinely surprised by it because my conscious, logical mind knows that’s not true. I have an incredibly stable and supportive family environment, a beautiful, long-term, loving relationship and an abundance of wonderful friendships and connections all around me, but I guess that’s the thing about these subconscious beliefs, they aren’t logical

At some point in our lives, something happens and our inner child feels unsafe or unloved and holds onto that moment, storing the feeling in the body and remembering what not to do in order to protect itself in the future

At 27 years old I am just now understanding how a small moment from when I was 10 created an internal belief and a pattern in my life that shaped how I show up in the world every day. At 27 I was triggered by something that allowed me to see clearly, how I have been holding myself back from expressing and feeling my emotions fully in order to keep others happy. At 27 I became aware and decided to choose something different to break that pattern

Saying goodbye to people and letting things go has always been very difficult for me because I’m incredibly sentimental and get attached almost immediately to people, places and things, this is something I am actively working on

Since becoming aware of these subconscious beliefs, I’ve come to realise just how many times I’ve had to say goodbye to someone and felt deeply sad about it but chose to suppress that and show love, support and encouragement for what they were choosing instead. I don’t regret the second part, I just wish I understood earlier that it’s perfectly okay to acknowledge and express that sadness while simultaneously being happy for them, their future and the decisions they were making

I don’t need to suppress my own dismay and heartache, to be supportive and encouraging of someone’s choices, I can do both. I think where I went wrong in the past was believing my feelings didn’t matter because they couldn’t change the outcome. This created an internal narrative that they were leaving me and that I wasn’t enough to make them stay when truthfully it was never about me. So, why not feel my feelings and share with them that I am sad they are going and that I will miss them when they’re gone?

I also realised I neglected a lot of connections once there was a distance between us in order to protect myself from feeling the distance even more, but that only lead me to another subconscious belief that once people leave, it’s never the same, which I consciously know isn’t always the case because I have some really beautiful, strong friendships with people who live far away from me. There’s no denying that proximity helps maintain the strength of a bond, but so does intention and effort

I’ve had a lot of good friends move away from where I live and many have come back again, I guess that’s what happens when you choose to remain in the place you grew up in, everyone is always moving around me while I feel locked in place. I personally wouldn’t want to move and that’s why I haven’t but I also wouldn’t want to hold anyone back from experiencing their life to its fullest. I would never tell someone they shouldn’t follow their heart or go where they want to go but that doesn’t make saying goodbye any easier

I think what I’m realising through all of this is that goodbyes are inevitable, and being sad about them is perfectly acceptable. If we allow ourselves to express our emotions and understand how we actually feel about something, we build trust and safety within ourselves that gives us the ability to love people, say goodbye to them and miss them while they’re gone, without making it mean something personal about ourselves

We are all loveable, worthy and enough and no matter who leaves our lives, that doesn’t change and honestly, it’s usually never about us. People are going to do what serves them best and if that means going somewhere different then we should be able to accept that and wish them well without taking it personally. I’m still learning this lesson but it’s becoming clearer the more I lean into it, and express my emotions fully

If you miss someone tell them, if you’re sad they’re leaving release those feelings properly and healthily without feeling like you’re holding them back. Maybe you don’t even need to share it with them personally, just do it for yourself and be with your feelings honestly

Letting them know that they are going to be missed will help them feel loved and cared about, which will empower them to go forward into the next chapter of their life knowing they can continue to explore the world and return to a safe place, here with us whenever they may need it

The biggest reminder I’m going to carry with me through this process of learning to say goodbye is that the depth of the connections we form is far more powerful than any distance between us could ever be. I will not shy away from remaining open and loving wholeheartedly out of fear of having to say goodbye and let go. I don’t think anything could ever stop me from doing that, because I know no amount of kilometres could ever take away the unconditional love and genuine connections I have created, formed and found

Some connections were written in the stars and just meant to be made, the same way some lessons just have to be learned, though unfortunately for us, it’s those connections that become our biggest teachers, so moving forward I’m choosing to let those lessons strengthen my love for the people helping me learn them, rather than tear it a part

I am overflowing with love and gratitude for the people in my life and I never want anyone to feel like that is conditional of geography. I want everyone who comes in and out of my life to feel my love to its full capacity and I want them to be able to take it with them whenever and wherever they choose to go