My personal experience

16 Jun

Photography by Danielle Ann Rose @danielleannrose — Photography by Danielle Ann Rose @bydanielleannrose

Buckle up guys, this is a long one..

I wanted to launch Embracing Gemini by sharing my own personal experiences with you, however it proved quite difficult to put my whole life into one blog post, so I’m sharing what I feel is most relevant here

Please read with an open heart, I am healing and growing everyday and I’m incredibly proud of the human I have become

I was an extremely happy, and free spirited child. I spent most of my childhood outdoors, barefoot, playing with my neighbours, riding our bikes, playing fairies and barbies, all the wonderful things children get to do, and be. Naturally, without a second thought of what others thought of me or what it all meant

I was fortunate enough to have beautifully supportive parents who encouraged my creativity and individuality, I always felt like I could do and be anything I wanted and that nurtured a very free spirited mindset and outlook on life. I truly knew who I was, and I loved her

As I got older, the usual social pressures of school and life became reality and without realising it, somewhere along the way I shrunk myself down into a version of me that would be most liked. Even though I was still being “me” it wasn’t a grounded and unapologetic me, it was a me who was scared of being disliked

When high school started I felt tiny, and out of my depth. Even though I had formed some incredible friendships, I still had this lost and unsure feeling, like something was off within me, something heavier than just “normal” teenage angst and awkwardness, I tried to ignore it, which only made it stronger. I could tell when people noticed it about me, which further build my insecurity

I felt allll the emotions, allll the time, feeling this emptiness grow inside me without any real understanding of what was causing it. I didn’t realise I was empathic at the time, or even understand what that really meant, I was picking up on everyone else’s emotions and carrying them with me as if they were my own. I was completely overwhelmed and had no idea how to manage it

This was not how I was used to feeling, and not who I thought I was. These were meant to be “the best years of our lives”, but I felt like I was drowning. Everyone else seemed to be fine, so I made that mean that I was wrong for not being happy. Not feeling like the light and positive person I was known to be, meant that who I was and how I felt was bad and I should be something or someone different..

I had truly never imagined that someone so young, could feel such an intense way. It was heavy, it was numbing, it was incredibly overwhelming and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I think the worst part was that I couldn’t see a way out of it, which only prolonged the experience, because I thought that’s who I was and how I would always feel

*Trigger Warning - Self Harm*

I’m not ashamed of this, but not everyone knows. When I was feeling this way, I found peace by cutting my wrists and hips because it gave me an outlet to focus my hurt into, almost like opening my skin would release some of this poison out of my system, like the pain I felt internally would stop, just for a second, while I hurt externally, and sometimes it just felt like a therapeutic distraction, I obviously do not condone or recommend taking these actions, however for me at that time, it helped

I’m always open to speaking about that time in my life, because there is so much for people to learn about how to help someone who feels the way I did. I don’t regret doing it, I just wish people responded differently when they found out, because who knows what a difference a hug would have made in those moments

I spent all these years trying to block out “negative” emotions, which only made me feel numb, like a shell of a human. I took it out on my family, and was completely unaware of how they felt about it because I was just too consumed by this dark cloud around me, to clearly see how much I was hurting them too. At the time, I was just to angry at the world to hear them or feel their unconditional love

I remember teachers telling me that I was a distracted, disruptive and naughty student. I don’t remember the teachers ever asking me if I was okay, what was on my mind, or if I wanted to talk about it. My report cards were average, and I always just put it down to the fact that I wasn’t academic, I didn’t learn by copying notes from a chalkboard and the school systems structure wasn’t made for students like me.. but how could I ever learn in an environment where I was being told that I was “wrong” by both my teachers and my own mind?

I am eternally grateful for those people around me who went out of their way to make sure I was okay. The ones who made sure I got out of bed and onto the school bus each morning. The ones who heard a “rumour” about my wrists and needed to know I was alright, even if it was an uncomfortable topic to approach. The ones who hugged me and loved on me, when they found out, no judgement or hesitations. You’ll never know how deeply you made a difference

Thankfully, my wonderful parents understood the depth of the situation and supported my decision to leave high school. I ended up pursuing courses and teachings that actually interested me, that bought passion and excitement into my life. Even though I was still battling with myself internally, this change of direction and pace made a world of difference, and truthfully, I believe it saved my life

Not long after that I met my beautiful long term boyfriend Tyson, who always knew how to make me feel loved, seen and heard. The amount of tears he wiped from my eyes our first few years together could honestly fill an ocean. I am thankful every single day for his unwavering love and support. It took me a long time to feel that I deserved his love, and that had a lot to do with what I said about making myself wrong, I didn’t even like myself so I found it difficult to understand how someone could love me so deeply

As time went on, I found myself experiencing happiness but believed that was just a temporary emotion, and that I was still inherently a deeply unhappy person. I would fight with my mind trying to convince myself that I was a happy and optimistic person, because I did have those thoughts and feelings, but my pessimistic side would always show up to “prove me wrong”. I would question whether it was possible to be both, simultaneously. A balanced human being, who could be an accumulation of both, meeting in the middle. However, being someone who feels things so incredibly deeply, I couldn’t find such a balance, I always kept searching though..

Eventually, I found myself at a workshop called The Bridge Experience facilitated by Preston Smiles and Alexi Panos. A phenomenal self development workshop where the biggest lesson I learnt (of many) was that life was forever moving between what we consider “good” and “bad”, “light” and “dark” and that all of it was okay. We could never always be just happy, all of the time because that’s not how life works. We as humans, experience every emotion, and life keeps moving, all we can really do is embrace it all and keep living

This blew my mind, here I was spending my life trying to force myself to be this one, unobtainable thing. When the entire time, I was perfectly okay. The solution I had been searching for was so simple, I got to accept myself for who I was, and all that I felt, because all of it was me and all of it was perfect. There was no such thing as balance, and I was not wrong for feeling so deeply. Effective or ineffective, all of it was normal, I was not inherently unhappy, I was experiencing sadness. A sadness that I was attached to, like it was a personality trait, and this was permission to finally let it go. I felt free

This changed my mindset, which inevitably changed my life. I went on to complete the second part of the workshop, Extreme Leadership, another 6 month program called Stretch 22, and then Extreme Leadership again a second time. I learnt so much about myself and grew up into a much more confident and well rounded person, because I could fully accept myself for who I truly am. I am forever grateful to myself for choosing to prioritise my mental and emotional health. Self development changed my life and I couldn’t recommend it more

Sometimes we get so caught up in our own stories, that we cannot clearly see what is truth. In any situation or circumstance we have choice, we get to choose what is or isn’t so

This is my why, my reason for creating this blog, my motivation to have these types of conversations. No matter how uncomfortable it might feel, if this can help somebody see a way out of their darkness, if I can help just one person, see that it doesn’t have to be so heavy, then I am fulfilling my purpose. If you have any questions or topics you’d like me to write about, please let me know

If you are having a similar experience, or resonate with this in any way, please know you are not alone, and you can get through this! I’ve listed a few options down below if you feel you could benefit from speaking with a trained professional

If you’re worried someone you love is struggling, and aren’t sure how to help, please remember that you can reach out to any of these online services for support and advice as well

LIFELINE

Call 13 11 14 for 24/7 crisis support

Texting option available on 0477 13 11 14 between 12pm - 2am

Live chat option available online between 7pm - 2am

SUICIDE CALL BACK SERVICE

Call 1300 659 467 for 24/7 counselling

Live chat option available 24/7

BLACK DOG INSTITUTE

Online depression/mental health assessment

Resources and support

HEADSPACE

Headspace have centre’s all over Australia, if you need information or someone to talk to, they’ll set you up with expert support