Let’s talk about depression (again)

1 Apr

Photography by Danielle Ann Rose @bydanielleannrose

*Trigger Warning*

Depression: Feelings of severe despondency and dejection

Clinical Depression: A mental health disorder characterised by persistently depressed moods or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life

I’ve previously written a blog post titled “Let’s talk about depression” where I mainly focused on the signs and symptoms to look out for if you believe someone you know could be experiencing depression and what to consider when supporting them through something like that

In this post, I want to focus more on the perspective of the person experiencing depressive moods and what I’ve learnt about it through my own studies and lived experience. Please keep in mind that I am not a trained professional, just a passionate human being trying to help others through difficult times

I spent a lot of years thinking that depression was part of my identity as if it defined me in some way. Believing that the familiar emptiness I felt would be with me for my entire life and there was nothing I could do about it. I thought the depth in which I felt my emotions meant that something was wrong with me and that no one could possibly understand how exhausted I felt just from being alive, unable to do simple things because all my energy was being used to survive my own mind

I eventually learned to shift my perspective to see how the sadness I felt was just one of the many emotions I was capable of experiencing and that I was safe to feel it fully, release it from my body and let it go (Shout out to Preston Smiles and Alexi Panos for changing my life)

I vividly remember the moment I finally understood this because it was the first time I’d allowed myself to accept my ability to feel deeply as a gift and be okay with who I am, wholeheartedly. It was such a relief to know I didn’t have to feel the way I did, forever. After that moment, I felt truly at peace with who I am and gained so much love and respect for myself, for never giving up and pushing through some incredibly dark thoughts to eventually live a wonderful life on the other side of depression

Lots of big life events later and I find myself experiencing these feelings of depression again, wondering how I let myself get back here. I express it all and yet there are still more emotions to be felt. Sometimes it feels like I am drowning in my own thoughts and feelings, too overwhelmed to implement any of the many things I know would help. In these moments I reflect on everything I’ve learnt about mental health and remind myself that I’ve fought my way through this before and know I can do it again, all I really need to do is be kinder to myself

Unlike most physical health symptoms, mental health symptoms are invisible and can be quite difficult to identify and disorders like depression don’t always have a clear root cause, which can be incredibly confusing, unsettling and defeating. Typically, there’s an unmet need somewhere, longing for fulfilment but locating it and knowing how to meet it can take some time, this is why it’s so important, to be honest with yourself and those around you, so they can support you with understanding and grace

Navigating your internal wounds, unmet needs, traumas, stories, patterns and beliefs can be a lot to dive into, unpack and process, which is why asking for help from loved ones or a professional is one of the best things you can do in these situations because feelings of depression can be deeply isolating and confronting. Knowing you’re not actually alone can make the world of difference, especially when your mind is trying to convince you otherwise

Thankfully for me, being open and honest about my emotions is something I feel very comfortable with because I learnt from experience that the most effective way out is directly through, so this time I’m choosing to embrace the mess and jump head first into whatever is present for me and honestly, being listened to and having my feelings respected by others has made the biggest impact because it creates a safe environment for me to express my emotions knowing I am supported, no matter what

Connection fuels healing. When I look at the people in my life and feel how much I adore them, regardless of their “flaws,” moods or emotions and how easy it is for me to accept, love and embrace them even more for it, I remind myself that they would see me in the same light, and do my best to let them love me in the same way I would want to love them if our roles were reversed. We are so quick to want to support others but assume no one would want to do the same in return, take this as your reminder that you are worthy of love and support and it’s perfectly okay to ask for it

Feeling unsafe or unsettled can also cause feelings of depression because your nervous system is in a constant state of fight or flight, unable to relax and unwind. Creating a home environment where you feel safe and comfortable to be yourself, express yourself and switch off from the outside world is essential for your mental health. The same can be said for your physical body, considering that too is your home. When our mental health isn’t thriving, our physical health and hygiene are typically the first things we neglect

For me, I lose my appetite and completely forget to eat and when I do decide to have something it’s never anything nutritious or beneficial because I don’t have the energy, motivation or care to make good choices when I’m feeling my worst it feels physically and mentally difficult to eat anything, which directly impacts my mood and energy levels. I would like to note how incredibly grateful I am to my friends and loved ones who know this about me and actively encourage me to make good choices and look after myself, you will never know how deeply I appreciate it

For others, it could be that they have an increased appetite but again usually the choices made aren’t necessarily healthy ones, which adds another layer of emotions because they may begin to feel guilty or self-conscious about their choices. If this sounds like you, I want to remind you that during these emotionally heightened times, you are doing the best you can to survive so please be kinder and more forgiving towards yourself

It’s common for people to stay in bed for increased periods of time, not shower, change their clothes or go outside, even though all of those things would greatly benefit our mental state, it all just feels too much. When someone is experiencing depressive moods it becomes incredibly difficult to make decisions, even very basic ones, sometimes putting on the same pyjamas or comfortable clothing is the only thing we’re capable of and that’s okay. We’re doing the best we can

My biggest fear is that I won’t live up to my full potential. That I’ll spend too much of my life just trying to express my many emotions and survive, but never actually living, never figuring out what my heart’s deepest calling is and creating something meaningful with it

Turns out, not following your heart’s desire can cause depression. Living an unfulfilling life is terrifying and honestly, *almost* enough to kick me into action. Self-inflicted unfulfilled potential feels much worse than ignorant unfulfilled potential but critical self-talk is unhelpful and only makes things worse, so I try not to be too hard on myself about it. I may not love that I’m back feeling such heavy emotions and having dark thoughts but the difference this time is that I have a lot of self-love and determination to choose something different and heal with intention rather than dwelling on it and feeling sorry for myself

Instead of letting these feelings of instability and uncertainty cause me to doubt my existence, I am going to start figuring out what makes my heart happiest and take action towards pursuing that. Giving myself something to strive for is going to help me feel empowered enough to take control of my mindset and hopefully my life again

It might take me a while to figure it out, but I have to start somewhere, otherwise, I risk staying stuck in a vicious loop of feeling worthless and drained because I’m unfulfilled and then feeling unfulfilled because I feel too worthless and drained to do anything actually meaningful. Taking action breaks that cycle and helps me prove to myself that I am in fact capable, worthy and deserving of anything I hope to create and that is what’s going to keep me moving forward even when times get tough. I recommend reading my blog about limiting beliefs if you need some support around believing you are capable, worthy and deserving

I know I’ve talked about expressing your emotions so much that you’ve probably all begun to roll your eyes when I say it, but the reason I am constantly saying it is because it’s the key to everything. Mental health and emotions go hand in hand, suppress them, express them whatever you choose, you’re choosing the life you want to experience. Your thoughts and emotions directly relate to your reality. Unexpressed emotions will find their own way out, in whatever manner they see fit. Sickness, injury, addiction, you name it, it’s linked to your emotions and they’re still not going away until you express them

Here are a few ways I plan to help myself move through these feelings of depression:

Following leads to help me get my career aspirations back on track and hopefully start helping others more often because that is something I value, that fills up my cup and brings me joy and fulfilment

Choosing to be kind, gentle and understanding of myself and forgiving myself when I slip up and allow critical self-talk in. No matter how much time I’ve spent learning about mental health and self-development, I’m still human, I don’t know everything and honestly, this is just part of the human experience

Choosing language that promotes peace and not linking my identity with the experience of depression. “I am depressed” and “I have depression” keep me linked to it, allowing depression to follow me everywhere I go. “I am experiencing sadness” and “I have experienced depressive moods” allow me to move forward from the emotions in those moments and keep looking forward to brighter moments in the future

Expressing my emotions and not shaming myself for how I feel right now, listening to what these feelings are trying to tell me and learning from them. I’ll continue to remind myself that emotions are temporary, and are meant to be felt, expressed and let go. They are designed to flow through me, not to be held onto. I get to feel every one of these emotions to their fullest and express them in whatever way feels right for me, in each new moment and none of it is wrong

Feeling not enough or unloved can cause so many deep-seated issues and overthinking can be detrimental to mental health so I’m being more mindful of the stories I tell myself about how others may perceive me and limiting my expectations of people, situations and outcomes because I tend to end up disappointed by my own internal narrative and thought processes

I get so attached to people, places and things and find myself hyper-focused on them in order to distract or disassociate from my own thoughts and feelings, which feels incredibly self-sabotaging and causes more harm than good. From now on I’m going to make myself my first priority and focus on getting to a healthy mental state and a more peaceful mindset

Connection, purpose and security are three important pillars that help us to feel fulfilled, and when one of those things is disrupted it can cause us to feel unstable, but even when a relationship breaks down, a job is lost and money isn’t flowing we are still enough and we will be okay. Learning to feel enough without these external factors, while still nurturing the needs attached to those factors is something that only comes from building a strong relationship with yourself

Self-love and self-trust come from self-understanding. I personally learnt a lot about myself and how I navigate and engage with the world around me through Human Design and Gene Keys. I highly recommend anyone who’s not familiar with either to look into them, because it can really help you to gain a better understanding of yourself and what you might be experiencing

Even the happiest people can feel this way and it’s important for others not to confuse someone’s personality or humour with how they may be feeling mentally. It can be incredibly difficult to know if they’re hiding something from you or putting on a brave and happy face

I know I probably give mixed and conflicting signals because I am still myself with people, laughing, smiling and expressing myself all while feeling lost inside. It’s mostly when I’m alone that the dark thoughts, strong emotions and feelings of emptiness seep in because I am no longer distracted from them and have no choice but to feel them

My beautiful partner Tyson always makes me feel so comforted and understood with how he helps me see that I am the happiest person he knows and sometimes that gets to be balanced out with other emotions. Which I love because it’s the perfect reminder of why I write Embracing Gemini in the first place. Embracing all sides of life, every emotion, every facet of human experience, all of it is beautiful and all of it is perfect, even when it doesn’t feel like it

Sometimes when I’m in the depths of it, I feel like depressive moods are my default setting because it’s just so familiar to me, but then I remind myself that there was a time when that wasn’t the case. A time when peace felt the most familiar and that it is entirely possible to get back to that place again. I just have to choose myself enough to get there, to find the cause of this feeling, lean into it, express it and heal it

I get to be more mindful of how I'm tracking the timeline of my emotions as well because it can be so easy to say "I've felt sad for months" but realistically I've felt sad in moments, across those months. I've also experienced other emotions in that time frame, that get to be noticed, honoured and respected in the same way. Releasing every emotion somatically allows me to actually move through my emotions rather than getting stuck trying to intellectually process them all

It can definitely feel daunting to look at the difference between where I currently am and where I want to be but creating a life of passion and alignment is so exciting and I feel like I have been given a clean slate to start fresh and recreate myself. I get to design the life I want to live with no limitations other than what I can imagine and envision for myself moving forward

I share this to remind you that it’s okay to feel things deeply and to not be okay. You can know all the right things to do or say but that doesn’t make you exempt from the ups and downs of being human

I don’t know how long I will feel this way but I’m okay with it. It’s all a part of the human experience and I know it’s trying to share something with me, so I will continue to ride this wave until it’s complete and I will embrace it for what it is

Typically I try to give practical tips that help you through each topic I write about, but for this blog, I really felt that it was more important to share how I feel and remind you that we’re all human, we’re all going through something and sometimes we just have to trust the process and express our emotions to find clarity again

If you want some more tips on this topic, head to the following blog posts:

Listen to your body

Express, don’t suppress

Guilt, shame and regret

If you relate to any of this, I want you to remember that you are not alone and it is always okay to ask for help

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