Attachment
Photography by Danielle Ann Rose @bydanielleannrose
I have always been an incredibly sentimental human being who gets attached to people, places and things almost immediately. This is something I appreciate about myself but also recognise as something that is holding me back in multiple areas of my life
I love that I have a deep capacity to care, though it can be difficult when I can feel myself caring too much for a person or situation, I know the best thing to do in those moments is to let go but find that challenging when I still feel connected or overly attached
For years now I have been actively trying to get better at letting things go and allowing what’s meant to be, to be, that’s not to say I’ve been consistently great at it, I’m just doing my best to become more self-aware of why I’m doing it and what I’m making it all mean
Here’s what I’ve learnt so far:
Holding on to the people, places or things you’ve outgrown will hurt more than letting them go, ever would. This is because we are supposed to keep moving forward, learning from our experiences and growing as humans, but when we refuse to let go of the past we energetically stay stuck there, repeating old patterns of behaviour, expecting a different result and continuing to be disappointed by the exact same things
I had to experience this lesson a few times before it started to actually sink in. I kept holding out hope and giving people second chances only for them to prove to me why I really should have just let them go the first time. Sometimes people can change and do deserve second chances, but being detached from the outcome would have allowed me to see that these were definitely not those kinds of situations
Being overly attached to something or someone means that you’re placing your happiness in their hands, but the truth is, that’s not their responsibility and placing that on them is a lot of unfair pressure. Linking your worth to something or someone outside of yourself can be harmful to your mental health because one small change in the situation can make you feel completely lost. External validation might feel good for a moment but can leave you feeling worthless when it inevitably can’t be maintained
An example of this is when your mood shifts based on whether or not someone texted you back or not. No one person in your life should have so much power over you that your entire day can be ruined over an unopened message. Whenever I find myself overly attached to an outcome, e.g. receiving a response from someone, I take that as an indicator that I am feeling out of alignment or off-purpose, bringing my energy back to myself to reconnect and figure out what needs I have been neglecting or delegating to others. I am responsible for my own happiness and contentment, no one else
Building self-worth, self-love and self-trust can help you to detach from the opinions and validation of others. I notice that when I am feeling down, other people’s opinions and attention are more important to me and affect my mood a lot more than when I am feeling happier and more confident. Even though I know it’s me who places that power and importance on them, I still don’t like feeling as though someone else has control over my happiness and self-worth, which is why I have been actively trying to break this pattern
Co-dependant attachments and relationships might feel safe but they aren’t good for us in the long run, because we place too much importance on the connection and begin to rely on them to make us feel okay
I’ve seen many friends’ relationships fall apart in this dynamic because one person begins to feel like they have to look after the other or that their mood has to be dependent on their partner’s mood, which builds resentment and frustration. This doesn’t work long-term because it can lead to emotional burnout and a loss of personal identity
Independence and interdependence are healthier for everyone, where both people are whole on their own and choose to come together to strengthen and amplify one another. Forming a connection based on loving each other’s uniqueness and feeling content and at peace together rather than one built on possession or obsession
If you start to feel yourself becoming obsessed or possessive then that is an indication that you aren’t feeling secure in yourself, or in your connection with the other person. Rather than becoming more insecure and wanting more from them, take that opportunity to work on your relationship with yourself and meet any unmet needs you have, for yourself
Being overly attached to something or someone doesn’t feel nice. You end up stuck in a mental loop, overthinking the situation and feeling like you aren’t good enough. Overthinking might feel like you’re getting closer to figuring it all out, but you’re not, you’re just overstimulating your nervous system and it’s honestly not worth it
When you hold a strong attachment to an outcome you can become nervous and start to project a weird energy that isn’t an accurate representation of who you truly are
I’ve noticed this a lot in job interviews, where I can feel myself coming across anxious and unsure which only makes me feel even more nervous because I know I’m not giving them an accurate first impression of who I am
If you can learn to release attachment to outcomes or situations then you can take back your power and feel more confident and in control of these moments. It’s human nature to care, but sometimes it becomes our downfall because we get hyper-focused tunnel vision and can’t clearly see how our attachments are holding us back because we’re too busy second-guessing and overthinking everything
Every time you choose something that isn’t choosing you, you abandon yourself. Stop giving your energy to things that aren’t meant for you and start focusing on strengthening your relationship with yourself
When you bring your energy back to yourself you give the things you want the opportunity to meet you where you are. By choosing yourself and having detachment from the outcome, you’re more likely to attract your desired result because you are coming from a place of calm confidence, which is actually one of the steps to manifesting effectively
To create a full and flourishing life for yourself, continuously invest in all areas of your life, not just one. Go all in on self-development and make yourself a priority, no matter how much you love someone or something, you should never rely on them for your happiness
You deserve to feel so full of self-love and fulfilment that nothing can shake your confidence and self-belief
